Saturday, August 13, 2005

How to roast a (food)blogger

Pre-heat the oven* to at least 100 degrees Celsius (that's about 225 Fahrenheit)**. If dealing with a very tough and experienced blogger, a higher temperature may be needed. For the young, pregnant, sick and elderly, 80 degrees or even less may suffice.
Take a foodblogger, peel off all protective layers. It is especially important to remove all decorative metal bits and pieces. Rinse thoroughly under soapy running water.
Roast in a pre-heated oven for 10 minutes. Take out and quickly rinse under cool running water [in winter, a quick dip into snow can be used instead. If roasting takes place near a natural water reservoir - sea, lake, river - these are preferable for the running indoor water].
Put back into the oven. Roast for another 10 minutes, then quickly cool down under the water. Repeat roasting and cooling as many times as deemed necessary (the process takes considerably longer time, if there are many roasts taking place at the same time, as communal beer or water drinking usually takes place between roasting sessions - to keep the moisture - and usually only 2-3 roasts fit into the oven at any one time, so they must take turns).
The preferred flavouring is birch - slightly dried birch branches are soaked in hot water, and then used to sharply hit the back, thighs and other parts of the (fellow) roast(s) repeatedly to tenderise the meat and get the juices flowing [don't ask, but it improves the end result, believe me].
At the end of the roasting session there are two options one can take:
1) after the last roasting, wash the blogger very thoroughly. Smear with plenty of (Body Shop Nut) butter. OR
2) before the last roasting, wash the blogger very thoroughly. Smear with special sauna honey and put back into the oven for another 5 minutes or so, until the honey has melted into the skin (we're aiming for baby soft and not crisp skin here obviously!) Do NOT rinse with water after this!
Wrap the slow-and-soft-roasted blogger into a towel. To preserve the rosy complexion, leave to cool slowly at room temperature.
Enjoy the post-sauna bliss. (I am currently:)
Repeat the whole process in a couple of days.

* A proper wood-heated Finnish/Estonian sauna (we are still arguing about the origin here) - the dry and very hot type. Read what a Wall Street Journal wrote about Estonian sauna customs.
** That's about the temperature required to bake marengues or oven-roast tomatoes:)))

11 comments:

Bill said...

Or you could simply live in Houston where the sauna is natural. Read all about it at

http://12tutufondue.blogspot.com

The carrot recipe looks good. We grow our own rosemary. Always looking for a new use for it.

Regards,
bill

joey said...

Sauna! Had a few saunas when I was in Finland, unfortunately never got to try it with the customary birch-branch-beating, though I would have loved to experience what it was like. Your holiday is sounding lovely!

Paz said...

What a fun and witty post! LOL! I'm not really into saunas but I wouldn't mind the experience you had at least once in my lifetime. I bet it left your skin very nice and smooth.

I'm being roasted in my neck of the woods, unfortunately by the weather. We've had a record number of heatwaves and the weather is awful -- hot, humid, an hazy.

Bill, I was in Houston a long time ago for wedding in the summertime and I remember the weather being HOT! Thank goodness for air-conditioners!

Pille, I made the carrot recipe and just had it for lunch! I'm happy to write that it came out great! I'm really excited about it. It's especially perfect to eat during this hot weather. It's cool, crunchy, and tasty. ;-)

The only thing I'd do differently is hold back on the rosemary. I think I put too much in. ;-) And I followed your comments and didn't put too much sugar or olive oil in it. Oh, btw, I don't have a problem finding rosemary here. It's in abundance at the supermarket.

I used red onions, which I love and they turned white. LOL! But still tasted good.

Pille, I had to guess on the measurements. Didn't know what "dl" is. Never seen that before. So, I figured that for example, 3dl water = 1 1/2 Cup water; 1dl orange juice = 1/2 Cup orange juice. Am I right? I had no idea what 0.5dl is. However, all in all the carrot recipe turned out very well.

Thanks! Keep enjoying your vacation.
Paz

Pille said...

Hi Bill - well, I've never been to Houston, but being a Nordic girl I prefer cool temperatures and then have the choice of occasionally (i.e. couple of times a week during cold months in our household; not having a good sauna to go to in Edinburgh is one thing I really miss there) overdoing with heat. I don't think I would enjoy living in a permanently very hot place. I've really struggled with hot temperatures in Greece and Spain recently, and the heat was quite dry there..

Joey - it's not a proper sauna experience without the birch-branch-beating bit (you can skip skinnydipping in snow bit, but not masochistic birch-beating, you see:). Alias, you must go to Finland and try again. Or better still, go to Estonia:))

Hi Paz - thanks for the compliments! I didn't intend to write about sauna - it's not a food topic after all. But when sitting in the hotroom and slowly roasting away, I began thinking about making marengues and oven-dried tomatoes and began giggling -so I came out (still all rosy and smooth-skinned) and posted the story. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

PS Replied to your carrot comment and question about 'dl' under the previous (i.e. Rosemary & Orange Carrots) post.

Nefritite said...

Hi Pille,
nice to read about your Estonian foods :) You also have some good links to Finnish websites which I had forgotten..

I've been in Edinburgh for over a month now, having lived in the west coast of Scotland for nearly 6 years. (from Finland myself)

The sauna thing was interesting to read.. I also miss ryebread etc from Finland - though you get it here it's not really the same.

Nice blog you have, I will come back to check more often :)

Anita

Pille said...

Hi Anita,
glad you found me - I know quite a few Estonians and Swedes in Edinburgh, but have come across only one Finn!? Now I know there're at least two:)
Those Finnish links are really good indeed. I'm a great fan of Finfood, Maku, Mainio, Ruokala and Ruokamaailma websites, as well as Pirkka-pages - scanning them all regularly for ideas.
Let me know by Saturday if you want me to bring some Fazer suklaa, leipäjuustoa tai ruisleipää - happy to do so!!
Pille

Nefritite said...

Thanks Pille, that is really kind of you!
If it is convenient for you, could you bring some Fazer chocolate for me (the coffee crisp one)?
Kiitos :)

Hope you are enjoying your holiday!!

Anita

Thanasis said...

Cool idea:)

I would love to be cooked along with a blogger I know;)

J said...

hi pille, that's just about the funniest post i've read in a long time...almost fell off my chair laughing :) cheers,j

Pille said...

UPDATE: Had another long and slow roasting session yesterday (Friday) night. Very-very nice. And I will so miss this in Edinburgh..

Anita - unfortunately I couldn't find the coffee crisp Fazer here, but picked up several other Fazer chocs. Will be back in Edinburgh tomorrow night - I'll pop by your blog and we can arrange something..

Thanasis - well, sauna is always best taken with the loved ones:)

J - glad to be a source of amusement:) Looking forward to catching up with your blog very soon. I'm currently using the oldest and slowest PC one can think of, so I've stayed away from any sites with pictures, as waiting for the images to appear can be so frustrating..

Spinning Girl said...

Now that is heaven!

Roll in snow when done.